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The Mater-Pater Conspiracy - 2/15/05 2005 Archive - 2006 Archive

Our church newsletter this week has a beautiful front-page poem from a
friend, so I thought I’d deviate from the norm and share a little confidential
parent-to-adolescent sarcasm with you.

tj

Just in case there is any doubt, they are out to get you– your mother and father, that is. It begins quite innocently, but always turns into a plot to destroy your life. Here’s how it plays out in a typical household.

Sure, they gave birth to you and met your every need for months. Or at least that’s how they tell it; feeding, rocking, changing diapers, playing silly games to stimulate your brain. But since you can’t remember it, you really have to wonder if it happened that way. You emulated their voice patterns and eventually learned to vocalize your desires, which they claim to have met with joy and enthusiasm. Yeah, right! There was also bipedal locomotion– walking, then running. But remember the twos and threes? That’s when you began to recognize that they were engaging in full-scale manipulation. Your verbal requests were met with denial; your physical boundaries were strictly controlled. You learned the power of their favorite word: No! It wasn’t to protect you from harming yourself, it was to make sure you would turn out exactly like them.

Oh how you might long for the simplicity of those days. Now, things are much more complicated, and it’s hard to know whom to trust. Let me fill you in: don’t trust your parents. They know very little, and what they do know is tainted by their desire to run and ruin your life, since they have no life of their own.

When it comes to education and your academic life and health, parents are ignorant. Their silly ideas about taking your studies seriously and setting career goals and objectives are just a plot to waste your time. Ask the people that you consider to be your friends; they can tell you. Their parents are pulling the same lame tricks. Career, shameer; when the waste of time that is mandatory education is over, you will have plenty of time to find lucrative, fun, and fulfilling work in a field of your choosing. Don’t worry about all those kids who’ve fallen for their parents’ plea to take school seriously. Corporate and business executives would much rather hire disgruntled, uneducated folks like you will be, than people with job skills, social skills, and a strong work ethic.

When it comes to your social life, mom and pop are half a century behind. They don’t understand why you shouldn’t be allowed to go where you wish, when you wish, and with whom you wish. They refuse to believe that you already have life’s mysteries figured out simply by watching “reality” TV and listening to angry social outcasts and their vitriolic ranting and raving on the radio. All that foolishness about dangerous places, times, and reckless people who are bad influences is just a ploy to keep you from having fun. Your parents don’t realize that you already know more than they will ever know. They always talk about experience, but never let you have any. Car wrecks, drug overdoses, gunshot wounds, date-rape, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, funerals– that’s what life is supposed to be about. Get with it! You deserve to have your own experiences. Go for it!

When it comes to your physical health, parents are as stuffy as a bran muffin. Their brains are suffering from a lack of processed junk food, because much of it was unavailable during their adolescence. All that healthy diet talk is merely their attempt to keep you from enjoying the benefits of chemically altered food. As for the blather about exercise, rest, and sports– don’t give it a second thought. You’re not going to need your body for that long anyway. Just park it on the couch or drive it like there’s no tomorrow, and hope you can get replacement parts when you need them.

When it comes to your mental and emotional health, mommy and daddy are the biggest fraidy cats on the planet. Your friends can tell you lots more about which drugs are cool. Just be sure you talk to the ones who haven’t had seizures or gone into comas while indulging. Don’t worry about the questionable source and content of the drugs you buy on the street. What’s a little poison among friends? Besides, a few less brain cells– or a lot less– will serve you well as you move from functioning as someone’s child toward dysfunctioning as someone’s parent– maybe sooner than you think.

When they start talking about balance in your life and in your relationships, just tune out and think happy thoughts. You don’t need balance between the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual parts of your being. Balance is too complicated. You simply need to turn your body on and turn the rest of you off. Hollywood has it right: sex is the be-all, and end-all of human existence. That’s the best way to have some quick, shallow fun. Never mind that doing this leaves you feeling like a hollow, numb, and used piece of meat as soon as it’s over; or that subscribing to this mindset means your life will be over as soon as you no longer meet the strict Hollywood guidelines for “sexy and desirable”. Just go out and do it while you can.

Oh yeah; that crock about faith and spirituality that they’ve dragged you to and through all your life– it’s just another method for control and manipulation. They say they love you, and that they learned to love because God loved them first; but what do they know about love and why is love so important anyway? Self-giving love is too risky, too expensive; and it’s downright painful. You can’t afford to get caught up in such a costly venture. Life is about here and now, and nothing more. It’s about you and your own indulgence and enjoyment. Forget the rest of the world. They just want to make you miserable by enticing you to engage in a relationship with them; loving, listening, and caring all over you. You don’t need that. Ask your so-called friends. They know plenty; but don’t ask anyone older than 17, because the intelligence curve is long past its peak by then. Of course, when you’re older, you might have to rethink some of this.

To sum it up: parents are ignorant losers who should be ignored, if not ditched. Your inexperienced peers who need you one day and can’t stand you the next– whose only experience is what they can’t remember– but may have felt good to them one time– these are the folks who are most reliable. Surround yourself with a bunch of people who haven’t really learned anything– but hey, they watch “reality” TV. What more could you ask for? Take, as your advisory board, other teenagers who are confused and struggling with self-identity and their role in the world and you will be sure to go far. Peer power, not peer pressure, is what life’s all about. Adolescents unite!

Todd Jenkins